dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
