I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
