If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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