at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
