i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
