You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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