I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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