I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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