I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She said her name was "party"
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
