They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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