If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
my phone needs a breathalizer
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
