just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
