I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
