Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Girls should come with a carfax report
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
