I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
