I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
