I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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