If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
