There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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