there's paper in my vomit.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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