oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
