Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
