I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
