like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
