I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
