Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
