Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
