In the future we'll all be gay
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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