I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
