shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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