so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
