you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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