Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
