My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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