Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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