I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
