yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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