im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
