I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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