like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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