she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
