I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
