i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Randomize
