THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
