Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
