I think my fart just growled at me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
