Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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