So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
