feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
