Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
