This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
