i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
